Cross Words

One of the greatest joys in life (apart from cake) is interpreting everything literally. That is why, after years of watching people complete crossword puzzles, I have created the world's first Cross Word Puzzle, in which every word is a synonym for the word "angry." Thanks to me, the world is now a better place--the grass a little greener, the sky a little bluer, and the internet a little stupider. Try your hand at this puzzle, and see how it goes! If nothing else, it's a great way to waste some time.

Eggsactly!

Which came first: the chicken, or the egg?

People have long agonized over this torturous question. Friendships have ended over it, lovers have quarreled over it, nations have warred over it. But listen to me, folks and jokes! I say unto you, the misery can end. I have finally determined the answer. Are you ready?


Dinosaurs.

That's right. Long before the first chicken cocka-doodle-doo'd at the dawn, dinosaurs were running around being badass motherfuckers. And not only could they easily disembowel or squash anything that got in their way, they were laying eggs all over the damn place. In fact, the amniotic egg had been in existence for some time before that, ever since the first amniotes emerged 340 million years ago in the Carboniferous period, towards the end of the Paleozoic. When it first came out, the amniotic egg was revolutionary because it meant animals could lay an egg anywhere they damn well pleased without worrying about it drying up. Before the amniotic egg's protective shell and membrane layers, animals had to reproduce near water if their young were to have any hope of surviving past embryo-hood. The first amniotes were lizard-like creatures called Casineria kiddi, and they beat out chickens by several million years.

Hopefully, these insights will put an end to the strife surrounding the chicken/egg controversy. The next time someone tries to tangle you up in this ugly dilemma, just lecture them for an hour or so about the history of biology. They'll either see the light, or they'll have stopped caring by that point and will hastily change the subject to how much money it will take to shut you up. And that's all you wanted anyway, right?

Be My Valentine?

It's that time of year again. Too many of my favorite places are loaded with legions of lip-locking lovers. The traffic is awful too, as everyone rushes to the mall to indulge in the commercialization of human emotion. Grocery stores are out of everything, movies are sold out, and there isn't a flower to be found in the city. When Valentine's Day descends, it doesn't leave much room for the rest of us. And, to make things worse, everything is just so damn pink.

On this day of gazing paramours, groping teenagers, and desperate singles, all I can do is smirk. After all, the initials of "Valentine's Day" could hardly be more appropriate, now could they? I like to remind people of this at every opportunity.

Yes, my favorite part of Valentine's Day is ruining it for other people. How'd you know?

Hail to the 43rd Chief

Grover Cleveland is chuckling quietly at us from the grave. Why, you might ask? Let's observe this recent inauguration season. From Barack Obama's inaugural speech:

"I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition. Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath."

Right there. Pause. Did you catch it? Or did you see it on TV? Read it in the paper? Senator Obama is the 44th President of the United States!

Lies, all lies. You're all in Grover's pocket.

Our friend Mr. Cleveland was elected in 1884 to serve as the 22nd President. Cleveland had a well-earned reputation for honesty and independent thought, and worked hard to reform a corrupted Washington, strive for bipartisanship, change tariff law, and resolve the problem of the gold standard. Nobody really agrees on Cleveland's overall effectiveness, but the general opinion is that he was a decent guy, if not a decent president.

He ran for re-election in 1888, but because of his position on controversial issues, he was soundly thrashed by Benjamin Harrison. (Although Cleveland won the popular vote by a narrow margin, Harrison walloped him in electoral votes.) Harrison did some important work in business reform--namely the Sherman Anti-Trust Act--but is mostly remembered for having a pretty snooze-worthy presidency.

The election of 1892 was a savage rematch. Cleveland v. Harrison v. Some-Third-Party-Guy-No-One-Remembers-Oh-Wait-it-was-James-Weaver-well-Whatever. All three men campaigned fiercely, but in the end, Cleveland won both the popular and electoral vote, and Grover and his young, hot wife moved back into the White House to serve out his term as the 24th President. Cleveland's second term was marked by economic depression, further tariff and labor reform, and turbulent foreign relations.

The point is, folks, that Mr. Grover "Awesome Mustache" Cleveland is the only president to ever serve non-consecutive terms, and is therefore also the only president whose multiple terms count twice. Grover's pretty cool, but does he really need that extra slice of presidential cake? Not if he wants to maintain that svelte figure!

It's time to see through the bullshit, guys. Our presidential counting system is whacked, and Obama is really the 43rd Commander-in-Chief. It's all a conspiracy. One giant, outrageous government conspiracy. Only the quibblers can save you now.

The Mathematics of Anagrams

My friend and I have been in an ongoing discussion regarding the hidden nature of calculus.

One fine afternoon, I observed to her that if you mix up all the letters in "calculus," and then you add a few letters, and then you take some letters out, you get "witchcraft." Needless to say, we were stunned by this previously undiscovered relationship, and made immediate plans to alert paranormal researchers.

She later realized that "calculus" actually has more letters in common with "delicious" than it does with "witchcraft," although she insists that this does not necessarily represent her views on the gustatory properties of higher math.

But you know what, guys? Both "cancer" and "calculus" start with a "ca" and have a "c" as their fourth letter. What does this mean?

That they're both fascinating, until they happen to you.

Q.E.D., folks.

Cakes are Educational

Because my government teacher is my government teacher, she has decided to teach us about federalism by having us bake metaphorical cakes for extra credit. I am making a particularly delicious model of "layer-cake federalism." As I was icing it, I decided that perhaps a decorative witticism of some sort would be in order. Feeling uncreative, I simply googled "jokes about federalism."

Cats and kittens! No such things exist! Google results were zero. Clearly, federalism is no laughing matter. (Good title for a John Adams biography?)

Of course, now that I have posted this observation, there will be at least one hit for "jokes about federalism." For those of you joining me from across the interwebs in search of obscure political humor, I welcome you and I feel your pain. But I still can't find anything funny about federalism.

Something tells me there is an important lesson here, but I am not sure what it is.

Things That Should Not Be Said During a College Interview

"So, I hear you've got a huge endowment. Is it true? Are you well-endowed? Oh, really? Do you have some hard evidence of that?"

Oh ho ho.